Musings: Mistakes

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Flawed. We’re all flawed. We all make mistakes. We all have hurt the people we’ve cared about at one time or another. We’ve all felt those feelings of deep sadness, regret, pain. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of growing up. It’s a learning process.

When I created “My Clockwork Heart” (above), I was going through some things emotionally. In the end I survived. I learned a valuable lesson and was able to move forward, but not far enough it appears.

I talk a lot on here and to others about not letting your past run your life. I talk a good game when it comes to giving other people advice, but when it comes to myself it goes in one ear and out the other. I’m a bit hard-headed in that sense.

In the last year I’ve come to grips with the fact that I hadn’t dealt with my past as well as I once thought. I am a flawed. I know this. I accept this. More recently I’ve stumbled again. I self-sabotaged. I let my past, my insecurities, myself get in the way and I not only fell, but I also rolled around in the dirt a bit.

Now, I’m brushing the grime from my stocking covered knees and getting back up. It sucks. It sucks horribly. Especially when you know that it was your fault.  But this is a growing lesson. Each day I get a little bit wiser from the experience. Hopefully, over time I can rebuild what I destroyed, but we shall see.

I was lucky enough to have a person in my life that showed me that I had placed myself in a constant loop. After storming off, attempting to drive away without my phone, a bit of crying, a sent text, and spilling my life story, I was left with a sense of weightlessness. It was a breakthrough. I had finally faced what I was so afraid of and it was a step in the right direction.

There is much more that needs to be accomplished, but at least I took those first few steps.

Peace & Love,

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