Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in  stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the  downward spiral begins.
— Charles Stanley

This is where I’m at. I’m stagnate. Since I’ve graduated in December, I haven’t been doing much on the art/career side of my life. It’s quite sad actually. I keep telling myself that I’m busy with work. I’m busy with maintaining my blog and working on my photography. I’m busy with maintaining the relationships with the people I hold dear to me, but the truth is not so simple. After a bit of introspection I’ve realized that the root cause is fear. I’m afraid of taking the next step and jumping into the subsequent stage of my life.

Fear is an arresting emotion. It can either halt you in your tracks or spur you on. There is no way of telling which way you will go because people perceive their fears differently. Two people with the exact same fear can react in two different ways. For me, my fear has left me floundering. I know what I must do, but I worry that I’m not good enough. I worry that I will fail. I worry that I made the wrong decision.

A friend of mine and I were discussing a person who loved what they do, but they weren’t very good at it. He said something along the lines of “passion cannot always help the lack of talent.” That line stuck out to me and I find myself working on a piece and asking people what they think of it. I keep wanting to make sure that I’m good enough.

I’ve been lucky enough to be hired to do projects for people. I’m currently working on wedding materials for a couple. That has been a fun project thus far and it gave me more experience with working with a client. It gives me more to add to my resume and gets me more comfortable with doing that type of work.

Career-wise, I don’t want to be stuck doing the same thing 2 years for now. I want to consistently work in something I love. I want to be able to work/design from home. I want to be able to sell my illustrations. I want to be able to make enough consistent money that I can go travel, get a new car, and support a child if I chose to (currently parenting isn’t looking too good). Even if I’m married, I would be more comfortable knowing that I can take care of myself and my child if something were to happen.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and life is hard. Life is down-right scary, but in order to make it fulfilling I need to push myself and do what I got to do. Hopefully, this post will help me get into the right mindset. I hate letting people down and knowing that I gave my word to do better will get me motivated.

Well, later,