“It can be quite easy to fool yourself into believing everything is fine.
During the waking hours you fill your days with work, social interaction, distractions…but it doesn’t last.
It’s those quiet moments you have to watch for. Those moments when there is a stillness in the air – they speak volumes.
In the dead of night or the early light of the morning, you can no longer hide from the truth.
That is when you can’t shut out the doubts, the pain, the confusion, the questions. That is when you feel the unsteadiness of your heart.
That is when you long for someone who you hadn’t seen in a while but you’re too afraid to reach out. You’re too afraid to take that chance, so you hide behind your distractions. Hoping that the feeling will pass. But it doesn’t and it won’t. It will just nuzzle itself in the back of your mind until that next quiet moment.”
– Bron aka “The Mad Artist”
*I wrote this earlier today and posted it on various social networks, but I thought it warranted a blog post.*
There are times in everyone’s life when they are faced with challenges. I would be a liar if I said I was completely fine at this very moment and it is okay that I’m not. Living and loving is hard. It’s messy. It’s complicated. It brings about so much pain and suffering that at times you wish you could just shut it all off. But it is a part of life.
I awoke this morning just as the sun broke the horizon. It was earlier than I usually wake up, so jumping up wasn’t necessary. I laid there beneath my blanket, snuggled close to my favorite pillow and my thoughts drifted to a place I’d been avoiding. Normally, I fill my days with so many distractions to keep my mind preoccupied, but today I couldn’t. It was quiet in my apartment, it appeared my cats didn’t realize I was awake yet or they didn’t care.
I realized that these moments were my worst fear. Here in the stillness of the morning, I am forced to face the thoughts that I shove in the back of my head as I go through my daily routine. Right here, before I checked my social media profiles, before I made some kind of caffeinated beverage, before I gave myself over to my busy life. I could do nothing but lay there and be accosted by every thought I tried to hide by overworking myself.
In that moment I felt not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough. I felt I would always be the last one chosen like the awkward kid on the playground before a game of dodgeball. I felt unloved, unwanted – just a passing fancy. A person to take your mind off of who you really wanted – a filler, a rebound, a back-up. In that earlier morning light I sat there and let every doubt, fear, question wash over me. It was painful. It was scary. But it was necessary.
I’d been avoiding all of these thoughts because I didn’t want to face the reality of the situation. I was not chosen. All the hoping and wishing in the world could not erase that simple fact. The moment that decision was made all of these insecurities laid themselves at my feet. Hiding behind this image of strength I created for myself was a frightened young woman who had to pick up the pieces and mend herself.
For the longest time I deluded myself into thinking that it is different from what it is, but as I laid there letting my mind take control, reality washed over me. Then I did something I never thought I would, I accepted those insecurities for what they were and began to heal. It will be a long process. I will probably make mistakes. I will probably still feel my cheeks wet with tears, but I can’t continue to do this to myself.
Who knows, there may be a time when the situation will change, but right now I have to deal with it as it is. So no more hiding. No more lying to myself. Actions will always speak louder than words and right now they are not speaking in my favor.
Until next time,